The 'Heifer Rule'

THE FOLLOWING is true. This isn't one of Haemorrhoid's tall tales. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Bart, a successful corporate executive, worked for decades in a highly reputable organisation as second-in-command to Ike, chairman of the board, who was a stern disciplinarian but, as it turned out, not in so far as self-discipline was concerned.

Chairman Ike, despite being happily married for decades, carried on a long-standing (no pun intended) extramarital affair with Lisa, his senior secretary, herself somewhat of a dragon lady. As is usually the case with these intra-office dalliances, the affair was an open secret at work. Lisa the Dragon ran roughshod over the other secretarial staff, utilising the unspoken threat of her privileged status to keep everybody doing her bidding. For years, the situation offended Bart, himself a soft-spoken devoted family man, who had long ago elected to "see and blind" rather than risk adverse corporate consequences from open confrontation.

Eventually, Bart retired. At the farewell party, after his praises had been sung by all, including Ike, he was called upon to reply. He thanked everybody for their many kindnesses over the years and went on: "For me, this is a sad day. I never thought I'd ever leave. I honestly believed that, like my good friend Ike, I'd stay here," and then he turned to stare directly at Lisa, "for heifer and heifer".

Howls of laughter

There ended the function amid howls of laughter; pounding of furniture; and chairs scattered by staffers rolling on the floor. There and then I learned the 'Heifer Rule', which warns against the dangerous folly of too close fraternisation with workmates. For leaders, the practice, which inevitably results in undermining of one's leadership, is suicidal.

The following tidbit appeared in a July 21 Gleaner gossip column:

'Drama at the residence'

The husband moved out of the family home and into the official residence sometime ago. Some say because the overseas-based one was on the island for an extended period recently, the wife moved into the official residence as a precautionary move and has been starring in all kinds of late-night and early-morning drama since!

Naturally, as a hermit, I've no clue who the author is writing about. But the repeated reference to an "official residence" suggests that the gossip's intended victim is in a leadership position. Gossip is usually malicious and false, but in Jamaica, where the conventional wisdom "if is not so is near so" rules, it can be severely damaging. Certainly, gossip is the inescapable consequence of any flouting of the Heifer Rule.

Leaders unable to resist dalliances, whether because they don't own mirrors (or reflections) thus encouraging trust in power-hungry females' propaganda about leaders' irresistibility, or because, like Bill Clinton, it's just who they are, must strain every sinew to ensure affairs are kept to the minimum; don't involve persons over whom professional influence is wielded; and don't cause wives any embarrassment.

Mark you, there are wives, and then there are Wives. Some never let up; some get all OCD with "late-night and early-morning drama"; and some always imagine hubbies are unfaithful. I know!

I know I sent you packin'

But now I want you back again.

Livin' without you ain't no livin' at all

How I miss your naggin'

and your tongue a-waggin'

and the crash of the coffee cup up against the bedroom wall."

It can get to the point where, without misery, the husband doesn't recognise his surroundings.

In the kitchen early in the mornin'

midnight walkin' the floor.

Without your cryin', cussin' and your moanin'

home ain't home anymore.

But, still, leadership is example. It's incumbent on incumbent husbands to remember "for better or worse". Take my free advice fashioned after decades with The Old Ball and Chain. Husbands, especially if they're also leaders in any field, take several deep breaths, call upon your inner strength and stop playing in your field. Trust me, there's nothing out there better than ye olde wifey. So, grin but never bare it.

So come on, honey.

Come home and spend my money.

Come back, mama, and take another swing at me.

I'm in trouble again. After Haemorrhoid's Long Story (July 26), S. Blank's lawyer wrote claiming that the words "Haemorrhoid interrupted Dr S. Blank ..." meant his client was a "fart". I'm counting on the long-promised libel-law reforms to protect me.

Today's humorous lyrics were written by Paul Craft (author of Kenny Rogers' The Gambler) for country crooner Randy Travis.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.