Doctor's Advice - Should we get a gigolo?

Q: Doctor, my husband and I have reached a rather strange period of our marriage. We have been together for 25 years, and until recently we enjoyed an excellent sex life. I should explain that my husband is 10 years older than me, but he has always been a very sexy and virile man.

Sadly, a year ago, he was hit by a car, and since then his virility has been not so good. To be honest, Doctor, he has pretty much lost his nature. This is very frustrating for both of us. But we love each other very much, and we are determined that our marriage will survive.

Recently, my husband came up with a plan. He knows that I am desperately unfulfilled at the moment, so he has suggested that we discreetly introduce a younger lover into our bedroom. In our part of the north coast, it is well known that there are several young men who are willing to provide 'services' to women of a certain age in return for a modest fee. We know a few of them, and they are good-looking, pleasant young men. So my husband's idea is that from time to time, we should hire one of them to visit our home and 'oblige' me.

I expect that you are very shocked by this, Doctor, but the idea is considerably attractive to me, especially as my husband says that he would not mind.  What do you think? Is this risky?

A: I would say that it is very risky. There are societies throughout much of the world where people have the sort of arrangement you mentioned - and that is particularly common if the husband is no longer capable.

In France, for instance, the husband is referred to as the mari complaisant, meaning the spouse is willing to give permission for his wife to have sex. I have even heard stories about situations in which the husband actually watches as the young man makes love to his wife.

However, I am very doubtful whether such a thing would be a good idea in Jamaica. First of all, what would happen if people knew about your arrangement? You say that the young men are 'discreet'. But they might well be tempted to boast that they were regularly having sex with Mrs X. How would you feel if your friends and neighbours found out?

Then various medical matters leaps to mind! If these men are really practising gigolos, as you suggest, then they must sometimes be exposed to the germs of sexually transmitted infections (STI). What if one of them gave you an STI? What would happen if one of them gave you HIV? Please do not try to believe that the virus cannot be transmitted between a man and a woman. It can!

Also, I do not know how old you are, but I have a feeling that you are still in your early 40s. If that is so, then you are still capable of becoming pregnant. Have you thought about the fact that some young man might actually get you pregnant?

And finally, I am not at all sure what the psychological effects of all this would be. Could your husband really cope with knowing that a young man was having sex with his wife? And how would you cope with the psychological complexities? You might feel very guilty. And remember: there has to be a danger that you might fall in love with the young man. What chaos that would cause!

So I would like to make an alternative suggestion. You poor husband seems to have partially lost his nature after a road accident. I think that he should now go and see a doctor who knows a lot about these matters, and see if that doctor can give him any medical help. He may have some medical condition or injury which needs treating.

Do not forget that it is very possible that the doctor could treat him with erection-inducing drugs, such as Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. So there is a very good chance that he could soon be 'back in action', and have sexual intercourse with you again.

Even if that is not possible, then please consider the fact that many couples who can no longer have intercourse are still able to pursue a fulfilling sex life by using skilled love-play techniques and sex aids, such as vibrators. By using these means, your husband should certainly be able to make you have an orgasm, so that you are no longer frustrated. I wish you well.

Q: I am now 31, and have been on the Pill for 10 years. Is it safe for me to continue?

A: Generally speaking, it is safe for women over 30 to continue using the Pill, provided they do not have any health risks. These risk factors increase the chances of thrombosis (clotting). These risks include cigarette smoking, diabetes, high blood pressure and a 'bad' family history of clotting. Please be guided by your own doctor.

Q: I have met a very handsome man. He is rich, and he wants to marry me. Only problem is that he is very cruel in bed. He hurts me until I scream. Sometimes, he beats me. And on several occasions, he has made me bleed, What should I do?

A: This is a disgraceful way for a man to treat a woman. This man is clearly a sadist - in other words, a person who gets pleasure out of other people's suffering. I strongly advise you to tell him 'goodbye' right now. If you stay with him, he might end up killing you.

Q: I am a 29-year-old man and I am very successful in business, in sport and and in life generally. But my sex life is bedevilled by the fact that I cannot orgasm inside a woman. Why?

A: You clearly have the well-known male condition called 'retarded ejaculation' or 'delayed ejaculation'. If you look it up on the Internet, you will see that the best hope for cure lies in psychotherapy - which clearly you are in a position to afford. Good luck.

Q: My husband's voice has suddenly become harsh and 'barking'. He is a smoker. A friend jokingly told him that this could be due to oral sex. Is that true, Doctor?

A: No, it makes no sense. But a sudden change in the voice of a man who has been smoking for many years indicate cancer of the voice box (the larynx). So your husband must see a doctor right away.

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