The essence of gov't

By Gordon Robinson

Across the universe, in the fairy-tale land of Apocrypha, a general election resulted in a change of government.

Suddenly, the two friends from opposite sides of the political fence, Are You Shaw and Oma D'unn, found themselves switching parliamentary positions. Regular readers recognise former Apocryphan finance minister, 'Are You' Shaw, who got his name from a chap whose initials were G.B.S. When asked, "Are you Shaw?" the chap replied, "My dear old thing, I'm certain of nothing." Sci-fi freaks will recognise Oma who, like a moon, is bright only in the dark.

Depending on how early you jumped on to this eccentric bandwagon, you'll recall 'Are You' Shaw asking Oma to help him be appointed finance minister. Oma advised him to buy a lawnmower (see 'The essence of logic'; March 9, 2010). Having followed that advice to great effect, when Shaw, having been appointed finance minister, asked for advice on taming the banks, Oma suggested that he buy a wheelbarrow ('The essence of economics', August 10, 2010).

Oma found himself on the government benches after the election but his prime minister, a widely respected lady leader named Porsche Strengthovarunner, warned it might be politically incorrect to name him as finance minister. However, she still held Oma in high regard and so consulted him regarding her Cabinet appointments. How many party faithful could she get away with, including in the Cabinet? How many would be too many?

Oma advised her to emulate Queen Elizabeth. At first, Porsche didn't understand, but then remembered that, as a former prime minister, she and her foreign affairs minister, Kinteet Day ('K.D.'), were privileged to have tea with the Queen at Buckingham Palace. She recalled complimenting the Queen on the beautiful palace grounds; clean city; and organised royal staff.

"What's the secret?" asked Porsche.

"It's simple," said the Queen, "I only appoint the best qualified person for any position."

This sounded exactly like Porsche's policy on Cabinet appointments, so she continued, "How do you determine that?"

"The most important step is to surround yourself with the brightest. Each must first pass a test. Here, let me show you." The Queen dialled a number on her cell, and said, "Hi, David, can you pop over here for a bit? I've an important question for you."

Sure enough, within minutes Prime Minister David Cameron arrived. The Queen addressed him, "Tell me, David, your mother had three children, one's your brother, one's your sister, who's the third?"

"Your Majesty," answered David, grinning widely, "that's easy. It's me, David Cameron!"

"See?" said the Queen to Porsche, "He's right. If you apply this test, you'll always choose the brightest people."

Picking cabinet

As she remembered, Porsche immediately formed a two-member committee (herself and K.D.) to interview Cabinet hopefuls. First up was Dekes Kantdone ('D.K.'), who'd won a thrilling victory. Porsche asked, "Dekes, suppose your mother had three children, one is your brother, one is your sister, who's the third?"

Dekes, a wily politician, decided to hedge. "PM," he replied, "let me consider the ramifications of this. I'll get back to you tomorrow."

He rushed off to find Oma (the party's resident philosopher/maths brains). Oma was missing, but he saw Oma's friend, Are You Shaw, and figured, why not? Dekes put the puzzle to Shaw who answered immediately, "You can't fool me, Dekes, it's me, ARE YOU SHAW!"

So, Dekes tells the committee, "The answer to your question is easy. It's former finance minister Shaw."

"WHAT??!!" interjected K.D. "Don't be silly, Dekes. It can't be Shaw. The right answer is ... David Cameron!"

And so it came to pass that, in Apocrypha, Porsche chose only 11 for the Cabinet, excluding Dekes and K.D. but including a Ministry of Education in which youth, sports and culture were added. Commerce and Industry incorporated Trade, Tourism and Entertainment. Oma, whose cryptic advice was once again proved philosophically sound, returned to Finance, Planning, the Public Sector and Local Government.

Housing took on Water, Land and Environment. Agriculture took on Fisheries, Mining and Energy. National Security and Justice were combined, foreshadowing the phasing out of a pointless army. Health; Transport and Works; Labour and Social Security; Foreign Affairs; and Information completed the slate.

There were no ministers without portfolio; and only three ministers of state (Finance; Commerce and Education). Young MPs needing education were sent to ministries as apprentices (students of government) and were overjoyed to discover that they weren't charged a tuition fee.

Today's Apocryphan tale was inspired by the work of legendary Irish comedian, Hal Roach.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.