Keeping score with your partner
Published:Sunday | January 22, 2012 | 12:00 AM
Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor
As you and your partner face the difficult storms of life, how will you survive the daily challenges? How are you coping with a failed investment that depleted all your savings? How do you deal with your own health -
Some people believe that 'keeping score' with their partners makes for a better relationship, but in fact this is quite the contrary. Unlike keeping score in a game, there is no need to be competitive to declare a winner.
Unconditional love
Keeping score in a relationship ruins the chemistry and kills intimacy in the union. When you keep score, you harbour actions from the past and as your partner may entreat you or make intimate advances, you hurl the reminder that "you did that then", so I won't do what you want now. When a partner acts with expectation of reciprocity, it eats away at the relationship and it sets up a situation where you are on opposing sides and not working together. Your relationship should be a collaborative affair, not one in which you compete with each other. When your partner allows you to do something to score a point with expectation for some payback or favour later on, it sets up conditionally in the union. Love is unconditional which leads to better relationships.
Coupledom is a partnership even in financial matters. Money issues are difficult enough with the different economic upbringings and beliefs around money. If you struggle as a couple to make smaller financial decisions together, consider maintaining separate accounts for each of your own minor expenses. You should work on your finances and major goals in the relationship as a team. If you embark on a competitive financial relationship, it will cost you money and the greater cost will be the quality of your relationship.
Financial decisions
You will find that if you engage in more respectful and open discussions about money, it may lead to fewer arguments in your relationship. Making big financial decisions together may even lead to discussions beyond the immediate question. For example, while discussing plans for home purchase, you may find that open discussions have you looking at different options you never considered before.
For better or for worse
As married couples face tough times, some believe that the 'for better or for worse' vow comes with more 'for worse' situations. These may include a spouse losing their job, a motor-vehicle accident, robbery, a cancer diagnosis, a family member dies or a house fire. Couples can come out of these challenges feeling closer if the relationship was built on a strong foundation before hard times struck, eliminating the need to keep score on each other.
According to Norman Epstein, professor of family studies at the University of Maryland, "Some couples come through a crisis and feel that it strengthened the bond between them because they conquered the problem together. But in several instances, unfortunately, tragedies tend to drive husbands and wives apart."
Work together
Keeping score is usually practised more when couples face tough times and are under extreme stress and eventually they feel alienated from each other. Instead of keeping score with your partner, here are some suggestions by Becky Sweat writing in The Good News to strengthen your relationship and keeping it together during challenging times (www.ucg.org)
Talk it out. Share your concerns, fears and hopes without criticising or judging. You can work together as a team when you know what each other is thinking. Talk with each other as soon as issues arise instead of burying them under the carpet. Ask each other for ideas to improve the situation. Make time to talk on a regular basis. No matter how terrible the stress is, you should give yourselves a break together every now and then.
Show your affection. Despite the crisis you may be facing, make it a point to repeatedly tell each other "I love you". Your partner needs reassurance of your love even more during tough times. Small acts of kindness can express your devotion when the going gets rough.
Build relationship skills. You should not wait until there is a crisis, then you draw on skills you do not have to solve your problems. You need to learn communication and problem-solving abilities such as openness, acceptance, understanding, flexibility, cooperation and kindness, applying these in good times and bad.
Accept each other's differences. Talking with your spouse will help you appreciate and respect their perspective on the issue and you should not expect your partner to see everything the way you do.
Avoid finger-pointing. Fight the urge to keep score, cast blame or say 'I told you so'. Blaming does not improve the situation as it puts one person against the other. Rather than point a finger, you should protect each other from self-reproach and criticism. Reassure your mate by telling him or her: "I know you did all you could do," or "This could have happened to anyone."
Worst-case scenario
Keep the tragedy in perspective. Separate your fears of the worst-case scenario from what is likely to happen. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that actually could happen?" When you think things through and look at the evidence, often you will realise that the situation is not as bad as you thought.
Be flexible. Be willing to reshuffle routine tasks and responsibilities if there is a crisis. Couples have to understand that when there is a crisis, they should accept their new roles gracefully accepting new tasks as a challenge rather than a burden.
Seek help from others. You may not want your family and friends to know of your struggles, but support from family and friends outside the relationship will help so that you do not depend too much on your mate for support. Do not be too independent and shy to accept help from others. Share your experiences with other couples who have had similar experiences. This provides encouragement and prevents you from suffering alone and becoming depressed.
Keep yourself active. Get out and stay active to take your mind off the stresses you are undergoing and prevent you from wallowing in self-pity. Get involved with positive fun activities with friends and relatives like having a dinner party, picnic or taking on a new hobby.
Couples often blame each other for problems in an ill-advised attempt to try to gain some control over situations in their lives. Every relationship is faced with some life events associated with change. It does not have to be negative though. It could be the birth of your fist child, job promotion or graduation from college. Obviously, you want to use the times of change to draw closer to your mate and build a stronger relationship rather than allow the change to create a wedge between you and your partner. What is critical is to work as a team to face life's challenges as they arise.
send questions/comments to: heatherl@cwjamaica.com.