Pants on the ground

By Din Duggan

"Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground."

Perhaps some of you may recall Larry Platt's side-splitting audition for the hit US talent show, 'American Idol'. The sight of the 62-year-old animatedly rapping in his deep Southern accent was so hilarious and his message of anti-low-pants-wearing-rap-culture-sloppiness so universally appealing that he, despite not reaching the actual competition, became an overnight sensation.

In unrelated news: brand-new MP for Central St James, Lloyd B. Smith, last Tuesday walked on to the floor of the House of Representatives while his pants struggled to escape his body. Only his hand, desperately clutching his waist, saved his fellow parliamentarians and, indeed, the rest of Jamaica, from the type of visual from which we might have never recovered.

Lloyd B.'s B

Much has already been said about Lloyd B. nearly revealing his B, so I certainly won't use his imaginary belt to flog the proverbial dead horse. I accept Mr Smith's apology and his explanation that first-day nerves - coupled with overly stuffed pockets - got the better of him. I can empathise.

On my first day writing for The Gleaner, I was so nervous that I, too, forgot to wear a belt. In a moment of unmitigated shame, just as I was about to pen my introductory paragraph, my pants tumbled to the ground. Unlike Mr Smith, though, I was unable to catch it. It was one of the low points of my life. Fortunately, the incident took place not in Gordon House but in my own house. And the only 'journalist' present to witness the calamity was me. I opted for the high road, though, choosing not to write about the incident.

In all seriousness, I wish Lloyd B. and his fellow parliamentarians - particularly the freshmen of the bunch - all the best as they embark on the arduous task of improving the lives of their fellow Jamaicans.

The story of my first-day jitters is obviously a figment of my own imagination. But, in reality, in the very early days of this column, Lloyd B. Smith did, in fact, reach out to me to offer some advice. I was, and still am, deeply appreciative of the gracious and inspiring words - particularly meaningful having come from a distinguished newspaper man.

My advice

My mother taught me to always repay good with good. As such, I will offer some advice of my own to Lloyd B. and the current parliamentarians - particularly the neophytes - as they embark on their appointed mission to improve the quality of life in Jamaica.

1. Remember the poor. As much as 40 per cent of Jamaicans live below the poverty line. At least 20 per cent - and perhaps as many as 40 per cent - are squatters, occupying premises to which they hold no possessory rights. Unemployment - particularly among youth - continues to soar. You are in a unique position to arrest this continued economic decline and to help a large swatch of Jamaicans escape the grip of poverty. This should be your greatest order.

2. The people placed you in office. If you take them for granted, they will send you back from whence you came. Ask the JLP leadership what happens when you take the people of Jamaica for fools.

3. "Envy not the oppressor, choose none of his ways." For centuries, these lands have been occupied by those who have enslaved the masses, both physically and mentally. It is incumbent upon you to finally break the chain of bondage and let your people go.

4. Government is not the place to become wealthy. Leave the people's money alone.

5. Enlist advisers who are smarter and more innovative than you. The world is rapidly evolving; confront it alone, or with a team of bumbling buffoons, and you will fail.

6. Exercise.

7. Debt is bad, if not dispatched responsibly to facilitate productive and progressive endeavours (I'm looking at you, Dr Omar Davies. Stop trying to whisper sweet nothings into Dr Peter Phillips' ear).

8. Technology is the future. Embrace it or stagnate (That's right, Phillip Paulwell).

9. Be humble servants.

10. Pull up your pants, tighten your belts, and work tirelessly and honestly on behalf of the people of this great and blessed land.

11. No matter what, though, be sure you don't ever get caught looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.

Selah.

Din Duggan is an attorney working as a consultant with a global legal search firm. Email him at columns@gleanerjm.com or dinduggan@gmail.com, or view his past columns at facebook.com/dinduggan and twitter.com/YoungDuggan.