Doctor's Advice: My virginity is at risk

Q. Doctor, at the age of 19, I am a young woman with my eyes fixed firmly on a career. So I have decided to try to remain a virgin for the next few years.

But I think I am also quite highly sexed. I must admit that I find men very attractive. My current boyfriend is a university student. We share quite a lot of interests, and we kiss and cuddle a lot. Sometimes he says he loves me.

He is quite resentful about the fact that I want to remain a virgin, and often, he gets mad at me. I have told him that he must respect my viewpoint. However, he keeps pressuring me to do more and more adventurous petting.

My resistance has been somewhat weakened by the fact that he is sexually experienced, and so he knows the way to get me excited and indeed, to make me discharge with his fingertips.

Now, he is always asking me to do the same thing to him. So far, I have resisted, but he just keeps asking me to put my hands on his organ and to give him what people call 'a hand job'.

Should I agree, Doc? Would there be any harm in it? Or would this just be the first step towards giving up my virginity?

A.  Well, you must realise that highly sexed young men are often very desperate to have intercourse with an attractive girl. In order to achieve this, they frequently have a sort of plan in mind - a plan in which they gradually overcome the girl's resistance by gradually getting from one objective to the next.

When talking among themselves, young guys will often chat about whether they have reached these objectives. They discuss 'reaching first base,' and moving on to 'second base', and then 'third base' and so on.

Generally, the order in which they try to achieve their objectives is something like this:

1. Kiss the girl;

2. Caress her breasts;

3, Caress her female genital area;

4. Get her to caress the male genital area;

5. Get her to allow brief penetration, i.e. intercourse;

6. Go 'all the way', i.e. intercourse ending with orgasming inside her.

Your current boyfriend has already persuaded you to go pretty far with him, and he seems to be on the brink of getting you to agree to manual stimulation of his genitals. I assure you that from there, it is not a very big step to allowing actual penetration.

So I think you need to stand back a little and look carefully at your present situation. Do you love this boy? You don't say so. Do you want to marry him? You haven't mentioned that either.

Does he love you? Well, he says so - sometimes. But you have to remember that young guys often don't really know whether they love someone or not. Furthermore, many of them will say 'I love you' just to get the girl into bed!

Your career is very important to you, and you obviously don't want it disrupted by unwanted pregnancy, or perhaps a sexually transmitted infection. So I feel that there would be a case for telling this guy that you want a break of six months or so from dating while you concentrate on your studies.

Having a complete break like that would certainly take the sexual pressure off you.

And to be brutally honest, during those six months, it is quite possible that you will meet someone else who is more suited to you, and who doesn't pressure you so much.

I wish you well.

Q.  Doc, I am a guy of 17 and I don't have any friends to talk to about sex, and stuff like that. Don't laugh at me, but I am worried because of the fact that at least once per week, I wake up with an erection.

I have not caused this to happen because I have not been thinking sexy thoughts or masturbating. But it just seems like it happens automatically. It goes away after a few minutes.

Am I abnormal, Doc? Is this a sign of some health problem?

A. No, you are not abnormal, and this is not a sign of a health problem. Because you do not have anyone to confide in, you have not realised that it is perfectly normal for all young, virile and healthy men to wake up with an erection quite often.

Indeed, the great American sex researcher, Dr Alfred Kinsey, found that the average guy in his late teens wakes up with a morning erection approximately 1.4 times for the week.

So this is nothing to fret about. Finally, may I say that I think you now should find yourself an older, experienced person to tell you something about the facts of life - perhaps a minister of religion or a teacher.

Q.  I was circumcised as a young baby when my parents were living in America. I now deeply regret this.

Is there any way I could get the operation reversed?

A.  Afraid not. Your foreskin has gone and that's it. However, in the United States of America, there are some groups that are looking at ways in which guys who are in your situation can try and make the remaining skin grow a little. Have a look at this website:

http://goodmenproject/health/the-foreskin-renaissance

Q.  I have never been with a man because I am embarrassed about the fact that one of my nipples turns inwards instead of outwards.

Is there anything that could be done about this, Doctor? My mother says she could afford surgery for me.

A Yes, an inturned or inverted nipple can be corrected by plastic surgery. There is also a device which can be used to kind of 'suck' the nipple into the correct position. For more information, just type the words 'Avent Niplettte' into Google.

Q My fiancé frequently talks about how it would be a good idea if he and I both stimulated his best friend while the three of us are in bed together. Is this a weird idea?

A.  Definitely! That young man clearly has some bisexual or homosexual aspects to his character. I am very doubtful about whether you should go ahead with this marriage.

Q.  I am female, age almost 22. All my friends know that I have never had sex. So as a joke, a girlfriend of mine brought me back a little vibrator from New York.

Doc, I am afraid that I yielded to temptation and used it. Indeed, I have employed it several times.

Does this mean that I am no longer a virgin?

A.  Did you actually put the device inside? If you did, then most probably you have broken the hymen, also known as 'the virgin's veil'. That would mean that you have lost the appearance of virginity.

However, I can reassure you that in both medical and legal terms, you are still a virgin. Medically and legally, only sexual intercourse can take away a woman's virginity.

Email questions to Doc at saturdaylife@gleanerjm.com and read more in the Outlook Magazine tomorrow.