Too tired for sex, dear

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Sexually active couples may find that very often there is a common reason to resist sexual overtures that could lead to intercourse. This reason is "too tired tonight, dear". Several couples say that they are genuinely tired trying to cope with the daily stressors of life, so although sex should be relaxing, partners are too tired to even attempt it. Studies show that a decreased sex drive and the complaint of tiredness are common in people who have stressful jobs, probably working long hours and having a stressful family life.

According to psychologist and author Laurie B. Mintz, PhD, writing in A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex, you are not alone in this dilemma. From his surveys, Mintz report that between 20 and 52 per cent of women say their sex drive is not the way it used to be in the early days of their relationship. In a comprehensive survey, Mintz found that 33 per cent of women between the ages of 18 and 59 were suffering from diminished sexual desire.

As women move along the life cycle, it was found that one third of 50 to 70-year-old women with partners had little or no sex drive. In reality, one of every three women you know may no longer have an interest in sex. Being too tired for sex is the number-one reason for loss of interest in sex, and this may be fuelled by resentments in marriage, poor body image, loss of sexual attraction, and medical conditions, among other things. When sexual libido is lost, Mintz posits that some women would rather curl up in bed with a good book or watch a good movie, as these activities require far less energy than engaging in participative sex with your partner (www.more.com/relationships).

Juggling partners

Traditionally, men are always ready for sex, but increasingly, more men are turning down sex because of stress-related outcomes - stressed about their careers, physically exhausted, depression, juggling more than one sexual partner, decreasing testosterone levels as they age - and so gradually lose libido or they may have problems having or maintaining an erection.

Stress is a major cause of feeling too tired for sex as stressors in life affect you psychologically and physically. These stressors include hectic work schedules, having an ill spouse, coping with lifestyle diseases like diabetes and hypertension, and even taking a vacation. When you are stressed, you will be unable to relax and tune your mind to sex. When your mind wonders, sex will become routine and satisfaction may be faked at times. Stress may make it difficult for you to sleep, and this also diminishes the desire for sex.

Reduced Testosterone

When you are stressed, the hormone cortisol is released, but in the process, it reduces testosterone which is responsible for much of your sex drive. Women have about ten times less testosterone than men, so when cortisol kicks in, women's sex drives diminish much faster than men. Testosterone is also at its lowest at night so, between tiredness and decreased testosterone, bedtime may not be the ideal time for many partners.

When Outlook asked sexually active partners what they do to compensate for tiredness and the lack of interest in sex, the responses were varied (names changed for privacy).

Johanna: "It is better to cuddle and go to sleep, then in the morning you are good to go for sex."

Sam: "With my job, I definitely have to recharge my batteries so the Sports channel is relaxing and my wife understands. So when we can, we'll get a quickie before work and make time for sex we both enjoy on the weekend ... ."

Lorene: "You feel better to get some good sleep instead of feeling "run over" after you are finished and your partner is dead to the world ... ."

Eric: "Sex is a good way to bring on sleep and eliminate stress, as it does not have to be wild and wacky - if you know what your partner likes, it should be easy to satisfy each other in a gentle timely manner ... ."

Shernette: "My spouse knows how to relax me after a tiresome day at work. The endorphins released during sex make me feel happy ... . No better way to release the tension than booze or valium ... ."

William: Is tiredness the real reason ...? Some partners are ashamed of how they look, with flabs, 'big belly' and loss of muscle tone ... we are in a society where slim and flat abs set the standard ... my wife is 'fluffy' and I appreciate her very much ... ."

Sandy: I am never too tired for sex as I feel more attractive and sexier at work the next day ... I also feel closer to my partner of four years ... ."

Five T's and a Bit of Spice

Mintz, in his book, suggests Five T's and a Bit of Spice. He delineates the Five T's as:

Thoughts - keeping thoughts positive and cheerful.

Talk - Communication strategies should change as you initiate sex. You should not ask, "Do you want to have sex?" Instead, you should start your vocabulary and all sentences about sex with the word 'I'.

Time - A Time strategy includes revving up your sex drive with exercise and focusing on your body sensations as you do.

Touch - One of the many Touch strategies is exchanging sexually provocative touches with your partner, especially at times when sex is out of the question

Trysts - arrange for intimate, secret outings.

He refers to the spice as any thing that can jazz up your sex life such as - sex toys, erotic movies and sensuous oils. Get new ideas by visiting a sex store or reading a book on sex.

Managing stress

Each person should take responsibility for managing his or her stress to restore lost libido. Stress-control techniques are varied and include a combination of methods such as exercise, relaxation techniques, deep breathing or meditation exercises. Exercise releases endorphins, the body's natural stress-fighting hormones.

Stress may cause you to resort to unhealthy lifestyle practices such as consuming alcohol, smoking and overeating comfort foods. These unhealthy practices further contribute to your tiredness and well-being and diminish your desire for sex. Commit to finding ways to manage stress including any medical issues you may have such as low thyroid or iron deficiency.

Television distraction

It also means getting your spouse to help you with housework and the children. You should not let your career or housework or child care continue to take over your sex life. If you have sex only at the end of the night after you have done everything, tiredness will take over. The television should not be in the bedroom, but if it is, you should agree on a time to turn it off.

Sex is the action of a healthy mind and body. It does not have to take place only at nights. It is great to wake up for morning sex or you can mix it up adding an afternoon delight.