Let's talk Life - Help with my marriage

Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson, Contributor

Dear Counsellor,

I would like some tips on improving my marriage.

- Maisie

Dear Maisie,

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Marriage requires work, commitment, and tolerance. There has to be forgiveness because anger and resentment can make for bad blood between the partners. If there are issues, then there has to be conflict resolution, dispute mediation, and problem solving.

God has to be in the centre of the relationship. Both partners need to pray together and worship God. You both need to treat each other as if you're dating. Romance your spouse outside the bedroom. Plan a date night together. Spend quality time together and talk with your partner and listen to each other. Understand your partner's sexual needs and desires. You need to keep physically fit and attractive for your partner. Don't take your partner for granted. Beautify yourself so that your partner can be excited and turned on.

Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spill over into the bedroom. Have fun and engage in foreplay, whether that's kissing, sexual banter, or anything else. Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom. Exercise, preferably together, stop smoking, and get your partner to quit. Watch your weight and cholesterol.

Seek help from a therapist if things are not improving. Many times, changes in one's spouse cause changes in the other. Think of the future together and make plans. Save for future purchases and enjoy life together.

Trouble with my kids

Dear Counsellor,

I have great difficulty talking to my children. They tend to be rude and disobedient. They like to have their way and don't follow my instructions. I am thinking of taking them to a counsellor.

- Marisa

Dear Marisa,

Raising children is rather challenging. Children don't come with a guide book or instructions. We get guidance from God, the Bible, and friends and family. What works for one child will not work for another. Communication is the sending of information from one person to another. It can be verbal or non-verbal. It can be positive or negative, effective or ineffective. Children need to feel that they are heard and understood by their parents, which is a boost to self-esteem.

Your children need to know what to expect from you, and once they know what is expected of them, they are more likely to live up to these expectations. The children are more likely to feel secure in their position in the family and are thus more likely to be cooperative.

You need to demonstrate to your children that they are loved and accepted. You need to send positive messages to them. Non-verbally, you can show your children that you accept them through gestures, facial expressions and other non-verbal behaviours. You need to eliminate behaviours like yelling and not paying attention to them. Practice makes perfect. Parents must learn to show acceptance in ways that their children will pick up on.

Communicate at your children's level. When you communicate with your children, it is important to come down to their level both verbally and physically. Learn how to really listen and make and maintain eye contact. Eliminate distractions when you are talking to them and listen with a closed mouth.

Email questions and feedback for Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson to yvonniebd@hotmail.com or call 978-8602.