Overparenting your child

Kimesha Walters, Contributor

Catherine Bryanthas always been strict with her daughter Sabrina. Even now, the 16-year-old is not allowed to watch TV on weekdays and has to be in bed by 8:30 p.m., unless of course, it's a weekend which, means she doesn't have school the following morning. All assigned chores must be completed properly and on time, and under Bryant's roof, this mom is the sole person who determines the extent of privacy. Not even Sabrina'scell phone is spared the occasional spot check.

Bryant knows that not all parents are as strict with their children, but this routine gives her peace of mind. "You might call it overprotective or overparenting but I don't like surprises," she declares. "When it comes to privacy, Sabrina does not have any as far as I'm concerned." Bryant disclosed that she was raised in a way similar to which she is now grooming her daughter, and insists that this is the best way to rear a child to be independent.

And, she says, the results are showing, as Sabrina has grown to be an exemplary young lady. "She's an independent child, she has leadership skills and she can hold her own," says the proud mom.

As for the opinion of others, Bryant told POSITIVE Parenting that she has more important things to be concerned about, hence, her main focus is on her daughter's development. "You need to set your standards and live by them. I don't worry about what people think, it's about what is best for Sabrina," she says. "She will tell me that I'm miserable, but she knows I'm doing things in her best interest."

Motivation to excel

Like Bryant, Sonia Richardsonhas experienced mixed responses to her strict disciplinary actions nine times over and then some, having recently taken on the roles of grandmother and babysitter. The mother of nine adult children believes her strict routines, control on her children's movement, rigid disciplinary tactics and emphasis on education, gave her children the motivation to excel, move forward to become outstanding individuals. She believes that in being strict she might have overparented her kids, but not once has she regretted the road that she took.

So what is overparenting? Andre Allen-Casey, a counselling psychologist at Family Life Ministries says with overparenting, moderation is not taken into consideration, and there is an overkill, oftentimes in respect of discipline, so the threat of abuse is imminent. Allen-Casey, and Rev. Dr. Vivian Panton, a family counsellor and owner of Classic Counselling Service, both agree that overparenting is possible and falls into two extremes - one, which sees a parent spoiling his or her child, including doing everything to make them comfortable. This includes packed school and extracurricular schedules to ensure the child learns as much as possible, smothering the child with affection, fulfilling their every request and doing the child's chores, thus allowing them no responsibility in the home. On the other hand, overparenting can take on negatives such as denying the child a sense of freedom, overdisciplining - inclusive of excessive physical and or emotional abuse.

Resentment against parents

Panton believes overparenting can inhibit a child's capacity to take initiative as well as their ability to succeed in life. "They develop resentment against their parents if the strict rules are not thoroughly discussed with them or if the child disagrees," he says. To combat the issue of resentment, Panton explains that parents should discuss rules of the home, as well as any restrictions so both parent and child can be on the same page. He adds that if a parent constantly builds borders abound the child, it will restrict their capacity to relate to others.

Many issues can bring out overparenting, including a fear that the child will fall in the footsteps of the parent, and end up struggling whether emotionally, physically or financially. But inherently, that can be a problem, as Panton notes, that the fear is often transferred to the children.

Stress and abuse

Meanwhile, Allen-Casey asserted that other causes of overparenting include stress, and the fact that parents were abused as children, and they feel the need to 'make up' to protect their children from a similar situation.

Added to that, parents who were over-disciplined sometimes under-discipline their children, and 'spoil' them, by overlooking many ill-mannered activities they do and things they say. Also, Allen-Casey said a lack of proper parenting skills can a be a major factor. "Rather than saying things to help build self-esteem and motivate, parents sometimes curse and demotivate their children," he said.

There are cases however, where some overparenting can assist in moulding and pointing a child in the right direction. "It can help a child that has the tendency to be free-spirited as it helps them to conform and be disciplined," Panton notes. There are also added values, as Richardson explains to POSITIVE Parenting. Being strict with your children does not mean a bad relationship will ultimately ensue, as her children oftentimes apologise for being rude and upset when she was tough with them. "My children sometimes come back to me and say sorry, and thanks, for making sure they did everything correctly," Richardson says.

Not their real names

Five tips to ensure that you're not overparenting

1. Learn about what good parenting involves.

2.
Empathise. When you were that age, what is it you would have liked and
appreciated from your parents? For example, how would you have felt if
you got a goodbye kiss from your parents while you're in high school?
Especially in the presence of peers.

3. Learn to respond as
opposed to react. To react is to be impulsive, but to respond gives the
idea that you have thought about what you are saying as well as its
consequences.

4. Grow with your children, while establishing and expanding boundaries as they grow older.

5. Teach the child that you both have responsibilities in the home, establish what they are and agree on how to stick to them.