By any other name ...

By Gordon Robinson

The great Tony Gambrill once wrote a brilliantly funny column about how racehorse owners name their horses.

The idea is for the name to be drawn from both sire and dam (that's father and mother in racehorse jargon; no blasphemy intended). Some owners can be very Ingenius (by Star Attitude out of Manuscript of course) and, sometimes, hugely intricate, but funny games are played that drive horse racing authorities crazy trying to keep up.

What's your name?

I've seen you before.

What's your name?

May I walk you to your

door?

It's so hard to find a personality

with charms, like yours, for me.

Ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh Ooh-Wee.

About 25 years ago, I bought a lovely yearling filly bred by a stallion named Exceptional out of a mare named Mouth-a-Massie. I named her Lovelace and held my breath as the name went through Racing Commission due diligence without demur, proving that only a select few dirty little boys like me knew who Linda Lovelace was.

Lovelace won many races up to 'A2', including The Appleton Bowl (aka The Five Straight Derby) twice in a row- no mean feat in those halcyon days. It gave me great pleasure to hear punters loudly rooting for her: "Come, Lovelace, come now. Come on now!" - not having a clue how oddly some might have interpreted their exhortations.

After a very successful racing career, Lovelace was trotted off to the breeding shed where she soon produced a decent-looking filly. When the foal was to be registered with the Racing Commission, I submitted the name Sixty-Nine. It was refused. I appealed, pointing out that I lived at No. 69 on my road, and asked why I couldn't name my filly after my address.

MORE PROBLEMS

The year before, I had owned a wonderful colt named Ninety-Nine who ran fourth in the 2,000 Guineas, and I felt the tradition of naming my horses after numbers would be lucky for me. No argument swayed the men in suits who steadfastly refused to permit the name. So I tried Slippery When Wet, which I'd seen on a road sign, but that, too, failed to pass the Winchester Road microscope.

Finally, we agreed to settle on Slippery, which proved prophetic as she slipped up in her stall on New Year's Eve of her yearling year and broke a shoulder. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

So, when, recently, the British Horse Racing Authority (BHA) decided to publish names for horses that had been declined in Britain, I took a keen interest. Some of the names are quite educational; all very clever.

Oh, what's your name?

Is it Mary or Sue?

What's your name?

Do I stand a chance with you?

It's so hard to find a personality

with charms like yours for me.

Ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh Ooh-Wee.

A word of warning: If you suffer from an excess of prudishness or lack a sense of humour, avert your gaze. Some may find what follows disturbing. Also, readers seem to think I make these stories up. I don't. They are absolutely true and not at all products of my infertile imagination. I also saw it on The Graham Norton Show, so it must be true.

The first name that the BHA pounced upon and prevented from becoming a commentator's nightmare was Ben Timover. No doubt it was felt that resident Jamaicans named Ben might object.

Then, an intrepid owner submitted Neil Anblome. The BHA wasn't fooled. Nor did it allow Oil Beef Hooked. That one, I'm sure, would be offensive to Texans, who'd instantly recognise the allegation by innuendo that they're dually obsessed. I believe it was the Muslims who objected to the name Anita Hanjaab proposed, but rejected, for a filly.

One that did slip by meticulous officials was Hoof Hearted. This horse actually ran at Prairie Meadows in the United States and won at least one race, the commentary for which isn't for the faint- (or hoof-) hearted. The track announcer didn't see the horse finishing fast on the wide outside and suddenly burst out "HOOF HEARTED ... Hoof Hearted wins!" with such perfect comic timing that one might easily accuse him of malice.

Back in the early rock 'n' roll days when one-hit wonder duos like Skip and Flip, Dale and Grace were the 'in thing' singing a style called doo-wop, Roland 'Don' Trone and Claude 'Juan' Johnson (Don and Juan) scored their only top-40 hit with What's Your Name, written by Claude.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.