My husband wants us to adopt a child

Q My husband and I are both 40 years old and I am faced with some serious problems in my marriage. First, I have been unable to conceive a child after 20 years. We have done many tests, both here and abroad, and we have spent thousands of dollars on these tests, and they all claim that there is no reason why I cannot conceive and there is nothing wrong with my husband either. Last Christmas, we took in a little boy who is a ward of the State, and he spent two nights with us. It was really good having the child in the house. My husband and the child bonded very well. They played games together and went out together. I also had a good time with the child and was sorry when he left. The child was abused by his parents and hence he became a ward of the State. In addition, the parents are very poor. The child is very intelligent and I learnt he has behavioural problems. However, he behaved very well when he was with us. He has expressed to us and others that he would like us to be his foster-parents. However, my husband wants us to adopt a baby boy and to nurture him from he is young. We are financially strong, with a big house with unoccupied rooms. However, I am not ready for an adoption. We both have demanding jobs. We work long hours. He wants me to give up my job. It is a fact that we could manage on his salary alone, but I enjoy my work and co-workers. I get satisfaction from my job. I am deeply involved in my social club, with leadership responsibilities. In addition, he does not have the time to help with rearing a child and everything would be left on me. This situation has me feeling very depressed. Do you think that he is disappointed with my inability to conceive why he is forcing me to adopt a child?

A Adopting a child is a big decision, hence adoption agencies have a process to ensure that parents are ready for adoption. Obviously, you are not ready to adopt a child. It is not necessarily because you cannot conceive why he wants to adopt a child.

It could be that he found being a foster-parent so satisfying that he wants to take it to another level. Additionally, it could be that having being successful in business and having a meaningful marriage, the next step for him is to raise a family. Perhaps his 'biological clock' is ticking and he wants to be a father. In other words, it does not appear that he is blaming you for a childless marriage. He apparently thinks it is time to adopt a child.

Your reason for not wanting to adopt appears weak. What if you got pregnant? You and your husband would have to make time for the little one. Your work assignments would have to be re-arranged. It is clear that you are not overly excited about motherhood at this time, and you have other activities such as work and the social club that occupy your time while being fulfilling.

Your husband needs to understand that there is a difference between being a foster- parent for two days and being an adoptive parent for a lifetime. It takes sacrifice, and there are no guarantees at the end of the day. The child could have problems and the commitment to the child could be tested. Furthermore, sometimes after an adoption, the wife becomes pregnant, and this could test your resolve to treat the adopted one equally to the one who is biological.

You should consider counselling before you make the final decision whether to adopt, but definitely your husband should not force you to adopt a child and leave the responsibility on you.

Send comments to editor@gleanerjm.com.