Being stuck in the middle

Krysta Anderson, Gleaner Writer

When it comes to the order in which we are born, it does matter. The first is always special, and in Jamaica, the last is the 'wash belly'. But what about the middle child?

According to Child Psychologist Joan Pinkney, there is such a thing as the middle-child syndrome. She told Outlook, "Middle-child syndrome is a disposition that a child assumes when he/she falls in the middle of three children in a household or family. The middle-child syndrome exists when the middle child feels squeezed between two siblings and has trouble finding their own 'niche' in the family."

Pinkney explained that the middle-child syndrome is characterised by: lack of friends (a loner), inability to maintain relationships, trouble choosing a career path, trouble maintaining a career, quick loss of interest in things, negative outlook on life, and indecisiveness.

Thirty-year-old Rhonda Hallknows all about this - expressing bittersweet emotions in her experience of being a middle child. "I struggled to strengthen my relationship with my parents and siblings." To deal with her internal struggle for acceptance, Hall took refuge in her academic and professional pursuits.

According to Pinkney, the parents tend to be much more easy-going, less anxious, and less demanding with their second and third children.

But according to Hall, "I feel more appreciated by people outside of the immediate family home than by those inside. In my case, I've always been very independent and I guess they assume that I am able to cope with everything on my own. As a result, in most cases, I'm left out in the rain."

Pinkney shed some light, too, on a few negative effects of the middle-child syndrome. These include: misbehaving to get attention, being less parent-dependent than their siblings, becoming the 'loner' of the family, withdrawing from family events and being more likely to go to a friend for advice than a parent, and believing that they have to prove their worth.

"My placement in the family has put some strain on my relationship with my parents, especially with my mother," Hall confessed to Outlook. "There are times when she is harder on me or may not even consider how I feel because I am always seen as the strong one, the one that is independent and self-sufficient, therefore, I don't need as much as my siblings." She continued, "There is a whole lot of resentment on my part, there are instances when I think my mother is finally getting it - getting to know me, but then I realise that she really isn't, and I think, as time progresses and I get older, I can just forget about the situation and focus on my own life."

According to Pinkney, the first-born is normally an overachiever and enjoys a good number of privileges. The younger sibling is the 'baby' of the family and gets away with more as well as being the most looked-after. The middle child usually feels he/she has to fight for a recognised place in the family.

For Hall, she always ponders why her parents did not get to really know her, why they are so blind to her needs, especially on an emotional level, "There are times when I think they may finally start to understand me a little, to see me for me and not see the façade that I put out there for everyone. But really they don't. As I get older, I've become better at hiding the real me from them, so they never know what's going on with me and I pretend to be oblivious to them and how they treat me," she admitted.

There is, however, a positive outlook to being a middle child, according to Pinkney.

Middle children are usually creative, motivated by social causes, stand up for what is right and fair, while fighting for principles such as justice, earning power and prestige. They have a more independent and easy-going personality. They think outside the box, feeling less pressured to conform, which makes them great employees, excellent team players, great innovators, leaders, and spouses.

Hall, currently has a full-time job, and paying her way through school part-time to obtain her bachelor's degree. She told Outlook that the situation has made her strive for more, to achieve more and to push herself to the fullest to get to where she wants to go.

The Continuum

Hall tells Outlook that she sees some of her attitude in her six-year-old niece, Darla Walker. "She does portray a few side effects of being a middle child, the difference between her and me is that the environments are different." According to Hall, Walker tends to be a little quiet sometimes and there are other times she does her best to get attention. "What I have seen is her need for acceptance by her siblings. Those two have more in common and tend to gang up on her," confessed Hall.

Names changed upon request

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com

Tips

Pinkney provided some tips for parents in dealing with middle children:

Be careful to include them in family matters - they should not be ignored.

Pay careful attention to the child's overall emotional attitude - watch for depressive moods and long periods of withdrawal.

Take the time to praise the child's efforts in school and at home.

Give the child preferential treatment sometimes (as with the other children) to help the child feel special and valued without having to make negative demands for attention.

Praise positive behavior - especially when the child cooperates with their siblings.

Encourage positive peer friendships.

Keep dialogue with teachers and authoritative or guardian figures around them to identify any behaviour that are signs of their acting out.