White folks are crazy!

Michael Abrahams, Online Columnist

I just finished watching a programme on Animal Planet and must ask, "What is it with white people and wild animals?"

Seriously. I mean, there is a reason why wild animals are called wild animals. It is because they are animals that are wild. And if something is wild and has sharp teeth or claws, or is heavy or carries around a handy dose if venom, it beats the hell out of me why white folks have a penchant for flirting with these critters.

The death of a trainer at SeaWorld at the fins of a killer whale is a perfect example. Now, let's examine these two words in detail. Killer means something that kills, and a whale is a big creature. Put these two words together and you get a ‘big killing creature’. So, why on earth would anyone in their right mind want to boom-flick and kinpuppa-lick in the water with these monsters of the deep?

What amazed me even more was the fact that some people were shocked when the woman was killed. Like, didn't you see that coming dudes? Think about it. If you were taken away from your family at an early age and held captive for entertainment purposes and had weight issues and sharp teeth, wouldn't you want to retaliate, too?

Apparently, the whale in question had already killed two humans before this tragic event and a worker reports that he is apparently getting handjobs (being masturbated to collect sperm for breeding) and still living the life at SeaWorld. Go figure.

Then there are Siegfried and Roy, a couple of mad rahtids who used to hang out in Las Vegas. These guys are magicians who apparently got tired of card tricks and came up with a brilliant idea: "Let's get some large, powerful, dangerous carnivores with really sharp incisors and play with them and stuff. Awesome!"

One of their favourite pastimes was to pet up and pamper tigers. Now, since I was a little boy I knew that tigers are deadly predators that hunt prey and jump on them and have their way with them until they satisfy their hunger, e.g., Tiger Woods. So, again, why were people shocked when a tiger gave Roy the most epic hickey of all time on his neck? That's what tigers do. They bite. Didn't those guys google this stuff before they constructed their act? (KMT)

Not to be left out, of course, is Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. For me, crocodiles are creatures best viewed on television screens or from behind 10-foot thick glass walls reinforced with chain-link fences and electrically charged barbed wire. But Mr Irwin had a different approach, preferring to tango and twerk with the creatures in their natural habitats.

What did him in eventually, however, was a stingray. Now, again, let me break down the components of this compound word. A sting is something that is painful, and a ray is something that usually travels in a straight line. So, why would anyone want to mess with a Darth Vaderish-looking creature on the ocean floor that can fling a sting straight at you without warning?

And what always gets to me are those preachers who handle poisonous snakes and then get bitten and die. Always white dudes, often from the Appalachian Mountains in the United States. Black preachers will sermonise about "crushing the serpent's head" and then run away from a ground lizard. Not Appalachian homies. They read The Gospel of Mark where it says "they shall take up serpents" and take it to heart, interpreting it as an instruction that they should do the same. But apparently when Mark sent the gospel to the publishers, they left out the part that said "with a long stick". (This information was, of course, revealed to me in a vision.)

After 300-plus years of slavery, black people have endured enough stress and have no desire be exposed to the possibility of being eaten alive, poisoned or constricted by wild beasts, opting instead to be shot, stabbed, and, in Jamaica, beheaded by other black people.

And, regarding animals, we are quite content to hang out with puss, dog, bird and fish, although I must confess that I keep two snakes, but ... ummm ... I will discuss that ... ahmmm ... in a future article.

Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com or tweet @mikeyabrahams.