How to deal with obnoxious taxi drivers

Dr Ethon Lowe, Contributor

Taxi drivers provide an essential service to the public, and are a much-needed alternative to the horrid public transport system.

Most taxi drivers are a decent lot, but over the years they have been feared and reviled because of their unnecessarily reckless and abhorrently unique style of driving. They are mostly males (rarely females), hard-working, and easily identified by their substantial girth (no doubt due to sitting long hours behind the wheel).

Among their favourite hobbies: girls, beer drinking, domino sessions, and a love for collecting traffic tickets.

How these ordinary souls become transformed when married to their machines (a union hardly likely to be made in heaven) remains one of the greatest mysteries of life. The grabbing of a phallic gear stick seems to unleash a homicidal, testosterone-fuelled homoerotic power rush, and voila, man and machine become one to wreak havoc on the public.

Back then

Understandably, the motoring public are nostalgic for the older, better days. Remember the Ladas? The box-like wheezy Russian imports which were a sorry example of Russian mediocrity from a country that produced the famous Sputnik. Motorists welcomed the sight of these Ladas in their mirrors as they huffed and puffed trying to overtake, and relished their enfeebled efforts with amusement and disdain.

Don't try this with the Toyotas and Nissans of today. They are fast. If challenged on the road, a prudent motorist is well advised to give them a wide berth or suffer the consequences. What consequences? A lengthy confrontation spiced with insults and epithets. First, the taxi driver, almost always the aggressor, unleashes four-letter words. Multiply swearing of said words by the number of passengers in collusion with the driver (the herd behaviour) and you are hopelessly outnumbered (no matter if the taxi driver is wrong).

Next come the scathing and explicit remarks about your mother. Rather old-fashioned and not in the best of taste. The insults then become more personal, usually with a Jamaican flavour, a flavour that quickly references sexual orientation. Recently, a taxi slammed into the back of my vehicle, whereupon I was called the 'B word' and informed of my sexual orientation - a damning indictment of Jamaica's intolerance towards gays. This information by the way was new to me as I was always of the belief that I was hetero. And I wasn't even wearing my pink shirt!

What to do?

How does the intrepid motorist defend himself or herself? He could start with giving him the dirty look. Although this often doesn't work. Unless you are impossibly ugly. Over the years, I have found a middle finger promptly protruded upright with impeccable timing works well. Guaranteed to rile even the most intractable rhinoceros.

A defence tactic that would make Mahatma Gandhi proud is a ploy designed to exasperate the enemy while remaining peaceful and courteous. Consider the annoying experience of waiting at the traffic lights and when the light is still on amber, the guy behind you honks his horn. Even if the honk is premature (irritating, but you can live with this), a brief 'toot' would be acceptable. But a loud, nerve-shattering honk is another matter. It's time to retaliate. Calmly exit your car, scrutinise the back, thoroughly ensuring that your licence plate, lights, bumper etc. are all intact, give the offending driver a big smile, thank him profusely for his concern and assure him that everything is all right. Then, calmly re-enter your vehicle and slowly, very slowly, drive along your merry way.

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