DOCTOR'S ADVICE - I don't want oral sex to ruin my marriage

Q. Doctor, I am a newly married man and I am having a little trouble with my wife. I just cannot cope with her sexual demands. When I first met her, I thought that she was wonderful - and I still do, but things are not going too well in bed. Soon after we got married, I noticed that, although she enjoyed sex, she had difficulty having an orgasm - sometimes she did and sometimes she didn't.

One night, we talked it over, and she told me that the one thing that would make her orgasm without difficulty was cunnilingus. I had not had any experience with this, but I agreed to give it a try. Doctor, the effect was electric. She had multiple orgasms. So for a while, I was pleased, but now I am not so sure. I don't feel it is a very masculine thing to do. Also, I get stifled down there and find it difficult to breathe. Finally, I do not like the taste much. After doing it, I usually wash out my mouth before returning to have intercourse with her.  This situation is causing a lot of friction between us and I hope it will not lead to a divorce.

A I hope not, too. It would be crazy to divorce over such a silly thing.  Cunnilingus, which is the type of oral sex that is given to a woman, is not every one's cup of tea. Although many men are delighted to do it, others are repelled by the idea. I find that sometimes it is because their friends have told them that it is 'wrong' or 'effeminate'.

Also, there is the question of the taste and smell. Some men like the aroma and taste, but others do not. As it relates to the woman's viewpoint, the fact is that most experienced women like it being done to them - not all, but most. And as a technique for producing orgasm, it is amazingly effective.

I have seen cases where wives had been totally unable to have an orgasm, but suddenly started when their husbands performed oral sex on them. So it is understandable that your spouse wants you to do this for her. However, I think that the two of you should experiment with bringing her to orgasm in other ways. For instance, many wives respond extremely well to gentle stimulation on and around the clitoris with a fingertip. Or you could buy yourselves a vibrator.

However, it is likely that your wife will always like the idea of cunnilingus. So I really feel that you should make some effort to oblige her sometimes.  One possibility is that you could use a thing called a dental dam. This is a very thin sheet of latex that you place across the opening of the vagina. You then do cunnilingus through it. People mainly use these things to cut down on the risk of sexual transmitted infections. But the dams also prevent the partner from actually tasting the vaginal juices.

You can buy them quite easily on the Internet. Alternatively, there is a brand available in Jamaica called the 'Sheer Glyde Dam', which is distributed by the Ministry of Health.

I do hope that you and your wife will be able to reach an amicable agreement over this matter. Can I finish by warning you that I have seen cases where a wife went astray and found herself a lover, simply because her husband would not give her oral sex?

Q Doc, I am a regular reader of your column. I would like to know if 'Sexovite Forte' can really enhance a man's sex drive. If so, how? And how should it be taken?

A Sexovite Forte, also known as 'Sexovit Forte', is the brand name of a vegetarian preparation which is said to contain vitamins, minerals, amino acids, ginkgo and ginseng. It is supposed to be for both men and women. In the United States, it has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration as a medicine.

The publicity for Sexovite Forte says that it is "designed to increase sexual libido, desire, staying power, erection time and size". Frankly, I do not know of any medical preparation anywhere in the world which can do all that. And I have been unable to find any controlled trials of this product in any medical literature. However, people often report benefits from pills that they strongly believe in. If you want to try the product, the starting dose is usually one tablet a day.

Q I am 34 years old and unmarried. Although I enjoy sex, I have always taken care not to conceive. But, Doc, I am aware that the clock is ticking! How many years of fertility do I have left?

A Well, a woman's fertility starts to decline in her mid-30s. As you may be aware, births are uncommon over the age of 40, and rare over the age of 45. After age 50, conception of a child is almost unknown, except with the aid of fertility drugs. So if you really want to have a child, I think that you should seriously consider trying to conceive within three or four years. Good luck.

Q I have just been diagnosed with diabetes. Does this mean I will definitely lose my nature, Doc?

A No, it doesn't. The incidence of erectile dysfunction (ED) in diabetic men is a bit higher than average. But many men who are diabetic remain potent until they are 70 or 80. Also, please bear in mind that if you do run into erectile difficulties, Viagra will usually solve the problem.

Q Can you please recommend a good vaginal lubricant, Doc? Sex with my boyfriend is getting uncomfortable.

A Sorry to hear about that. I do think you should check with your doctor, who can examine you and determine whether you are suffering from a lack of female hormones. That is easily treated these days, usually with vaginal hormone cream, or with HRT (hormone replacement therapy) tablets or patches. But if you just want a simple, helpful sex lubricant, then you can find K-Y Jelly or Astroglide at most pharmacies. And if you look on the Internet, you will find almost a million websites which are eager to sell you 'lubes' such as Eros, Pjur, Wet, Yes, and Sylk. I hope these work for you.

Q I have to take a circumcision operation, and the surgeon has told me that I must not have sex for two months afterwards! Is that really necessary, Doc?

A Yes. You will have stitches for several inches and it is important not to split that open. So please follow the surgeon's advice. However, you and your partner could go in for milder forms of sex play which don't open up the cut.

Send questions to deardoc@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.