Authenticity over expectation – why midlife changes everything

For much of their lives, women are rewarded for being agreeable, capable, accommodating, and emotionally available. We learn early how to read a room, manage expectations, smooth discomfort, and hold everything together, often at the expense of our own needs. Over time, this performance becomes so familiar that it feels like identity.

But in midlife, something shifts. The energy required to keep showing up as who others expect you to be becomes unsustainable.

“This is why so many women feel restless, irritated, or emotionally exhausted in this phase. It is not that you are losing yourself, it is that you are tired of performing,” said life coach, Nicola Clarke.

Globally, research continues to show that women carry a disproportionate share of emotional and unpaid labour. According to international labour and health studies, women spend significantly more hours on unpaid caregiving and household responsibilities than men. This ongoing invisible workload contributes directly to stress, anxiety, and burnout.

Psychologists refer to this as emotional labour, the constant management of emotions, expectations, and relationships. Over decades, this invisible work accumulates, often leading to chronic fatigue and mental overload.

“Many women reach midlife and realise they have spent years managing everyone else’s comfort. Their nervous system eventually begins to resist the constant self-editing,” Clarke said.

SURVIVAL STRATEGY

Caribbean health professionals echo this reality, noting rising levels of stress, anxiety, and burnout among women balancing careers, caregiving, and community obligations. Studies across the region show women are significantly more likely than men to report symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Clarke explains that performance often begins as a survival strategy. “The roles that once kept you safe or accepted no longer fit. Your inner voice grows louder, asking for honesty instead of approval,” she said.

This shift can feel unsettling because performance has long served as the glue holding everything together. “When you stop performing, uncomfortable questions arise,” Clarke said. “What do you actually want? What feels nourishing instead of impressive? Who remains when you stop explaining, pleasing, or proving?”

While destabilising, this phase can also be deeply liberating. “Stepping into this new phase is not about withdrawing from life, it is about showing up differently. It means choosing alignment over appearance, depth over approval, and truth over tolerance,” Clarke said.

Health experts note that midlife is a period of profound psychological and biological transition. Hormonal changes, shifting family roles, and career transitions often converge during this time, prompting reflection and reassessment.

Many women describe this stage as an awakening, a moment when the cost of constant performance becomes impossible to ignore.

“Discomfort in midlife isn’t a sign to retreat. It is a sign you are stepping into yourself,” Clarke said.

Letting go of performance can feel uncomfortable, even wrong, because many women have spent decades being rewarded for keeping everything smooth and manageable.

“That discomfort does not mean you are doing something poorly. It means you are doing something new,” she said.

The first step is to:

1. Normalize the discomfort

“Feeling uneasy or guilty doesn’t mean you are selfish or failing. It means you are breaking patterns that once kept you safe,” Clarke said.

Psychologists agree that growth often triggers anxiety because the brain perceives change as risk. “Your nervous system is learning a new way of being. Awareness softens resistance,” she said.

2. Stay Present Instead of Fixing

Many women instinctively try to resolve discomfort by apologising, over-explaining, or abandoning their needs. “Try staying with the feeling a little longer. Discomfort often dissolves when it’s allowed rather than managed,” Clarke said.

3. Separate Guilt from Intuition

“Guilt often sounds loud and urgent; intuition is quieter and steadier. Ask yourself: Am I uncomfortable because I am doing something wrong, or because I am doing something unfamiliar?”

This distinction is crucial for developing self-trust.

4. Move Gently and Consistently

“You do not have to overhaul your life overnight. Start small, one honest conversation, one boundary, one choice that honours your energy,” Clarke said.

Mental health professionals increasingly emphasize the importance of boundaries and authenticity for long-term wellbeing. Chronic people-pleasing and emotional suppression have been linked to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and physical health issues such as hypertension.

Living more authentically can improve mental clarity, reduce stress, and strengthen relationships built on honesty rather than obligation. “When you stop performing, you begin to feel grounded. What once felt uncomfortable becomes stabilising,” she said.

Clarke encourages women to reframe self-care as honesty rather than indulgence. “Self-care isn’t just spa days and rest. It is the courage to honour your needs and your limits,” she said.

This shift allows women to move from survival mode into sustainable wellbeing.

“Discomfort is not a signal to retreat,” Clarke concludes. “It’s a sign you’re becoming more honest with yourself. With practice, unease gives way to clarity, self-trust, and a deeper sense of ease in who you are becoming.”

For many women, the most powerful question becomes not ‘Who do others need me to be? but Who am I when I stop performing?’

And in that question lies the beginning of a healthier, more authentic life.

keisha.hill@gleanerjm.com