Managing life post-divorce

The Divorce Care Ministry at Swallowfield Chapel recently held a public forum themed around the scripture, “For the Lord takes pleasure in his people – RESTORATION!” This scripture immediately brought a sense of hope, promise, and good wishes. However, the concept of ‘restoration’ brought about some introspection and questions. According to www.dictionary.com, restoration means ‘the return of something to an unimpaired condition’, suggesting an improvement beyond the original state. This raises the question: what exactly is being restored, and when will it happen? What about those who haven’t experienced restoration yet?

One of the toughest aspects of life post-divorce is managing life without a partner. Life without a partner can be synonymous with hard times, filled with responsibilities that can lead to burnout, emotional repression, feelings of inadequacy, and possibly depression. This theme brought to mind the need for a life partner.

But what is going to be restored? It is unlikely to be the former spouse or marriage that led to the current state. If the former spouse hasn’t changed, sought reconciliation, or owned up to responsibilities, restoration won’t involve them. God doesn’t endorse returning to past mistakes like a dog to vomit or embracing fools who do not pay their vows. Instead, God desires wisdom and proper behaviour, as exemplified by His servant David.

Given that the former spouse is disqualified, the focus shifts to the possibility of a new beau, after all it is not good for man (or woman) to be alone and it is better to marry than to burn, right? Many have married with good intentions – believing it was love, hoping for a good partner, and wanting to avoid lust and sexual sins. Regrettably, just as many have suffered bitter outcomes for these noble intentions. If a marriage ended for irreconcilable reasons other than adultery, some argue that remarriage should only occur if adultery took place and only for the blameless party. Determining blamelessness, however, is complex and subjective; we are cautioned not to judge one another lest we ourselves be judged.

These thoughts and questions have compounded the issue, leaving me feeling less hopeful and more confused. The desire for a life partner is natural, God-given, and healthy. It’s not a sign of weakness, co-dependency or an inability to enjoy solitude. In fact, it is a positive state of emotional maturity, soundness of mind and intelligence to seek a helpmeet for life. Despite this, not everyone will experience restoration.

SOME REASONS INCLUDE:

1.Scarcity of quality partners: There is a lack of suitable candidates, both in terms of quality and quantity. Quality partners share values, are ambitious, have gainful employment and decency. Such individuals are rare because becoming one requires sacrifice and unlearning old ways.

2.Emotional bandwidth: Some people lack the emotional capacity to nurture themselves or others. Without healing and growth, they are not ready for the responsibilities of a partnership.

3.Priorities and vocation: Some individuals prioritise their vocation over marriage. Their ambitions may make a union seem like an encumbrance, and many are not honest about this, resulting in a partnership based on misinformation.

4. Vulnerability: Fear of being vulnerable and unmasked can hinder genuine connections. We ask the powerful question, will you marry me, but we have not shared our inward parts and the scars that have shaped us and would allow another to know and understand the quiddity of our persona. You can only live the ‘yes answer’ to the question, when you have full information.

How will I cope without restoration? This depends on how one answers the following questions:

• Am I willing to sacrifice and become a quality individual?

• Can I be the change I want to see?

• Am I honest about my vocation and priorities?

• Can I be unmasked and vulnerable?

What about sex? If the last time I had sex will be the last time, how will I manage? Continuous short-term sexual gratification isn’t acceptable for the people of the Lord. Instead, we are called to be sacred, both in singleness and marriage. Trusting in God’s promises is essential. Despite frustrations, God will make the crooked paths straight, prevent us from being overwhelmed, and provide support.

Ultimately, the theme calls for faith in God’s promises. This isn’t a cop out or opium for irrational thinking, but a choice. What has not failed is the comfort of true friends and the love of God amid the mess of divorce. He still gives me strength to do herculean tasks; he still provides in the absence of child support and co-parenting; he keeps my children and makes them thrive in this single parent household; and when I am overwhelmed by life and its responsibilities, I am refreshed in peaceful moments of solitude.

I say make the best life with what you have and where you are, and your mindset will change to contentment. The low moments which will come will not defeat you; you will inspire and influence because you have been made whole and you’ll inspire others with your resilience and talents whether single or married.

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