SUNDAY SAUCE: Passports for animals?
Published:Sunday | December 12, 2010 | 12:00 AM
Oxy Moron, Contributor
'Animal passport to thwart thieves,' read a headline two Fridays ago. A second paragraph quote says, among other things, "It will obviously show in Jenny's cow passport that Jenny cow was sired through this bull and who owns the cow". The accompanying cartoon, however, doesn't refer to the cow therein as Jenny's cow, but as Jenny. Anyway, moving on.
Now, I see some happy days ahead. I wish I were living in a rural area where there are cattle, goats, pigs and other livestock, to hear the names that are given to some of these animals. While some owners will stick to traditional ones such as Maggie, Monica, Daisy, Pansy, Margot, Gloria, Daphne, Peggy, Sheila, Jasmine, Rachel, Cynthia, Catherine, Elizabeth and Portia, for the females, some will definitely go for the posh ones such as Yendi, Chantal, Fantasia, Brittany, Paris, Lindsay, Morgan, Ashley, Whitney, Brianna, Danielle, Moesha, etc.
For the males, you will certainly hear Egbert, Albert, Rufus, Roy, Errol, Frank, Ezra, Peter, Easton, Gladstone, Harry, Dave, Aston, Bruce, Roger, Percival, George and Billy. And just as how slave-masters passed on their surnames to slaves, owners will do the same to the animals. For instance, my cow will be called Beyoncé Danielle Moron. With the bull, I will be more conservative, so it will be named Everald Roger Moron.
Then, the issue of paternity is bound to arise. Every effort should be made to ensure the animals get their right sires. There are already too many two-legged 'jackets' on this land. We don't want any four-legged ones to add to the mix. Not because Mr Claudie's bull is big and robust should an owner claim that his cow was sired by that bull. Not only is this misrepre-sentation, it is cheating. This is where the factor of DNA tests will enter the equation. The passports must also comprise DNA test results.
Shock of his life
Care must also be taken that a certain she-goat doesn't get into a certain ram-goat's pen when the owners are not looking. The she-goat owner, under the impression that she was impregnated by Jeremiah's prized ram, might just get the shock of his life when the kids are born with the same spots on their sides as Jacob's scraggy goat.
As part of the verification process, note must be made of any distinguishing marks that the animals have, such as the heart-shaped black mark on May's forehead; Peter's ill-shaped horns, Brittany's knocked-knees, Percival's 'bang' belly; Daphne's lazy left eye, etc. And will the passports have the photographs of the animals named? I can imagine the photographer cajoling Maxine Jones, the small, brown cow with the big, white spot around her right eye. "Get ready for your close-up, Maxine." The camera-shy Maxine under-looks him and bellows, 'Moo-ve'!