Trials of an only child

This article is intended for adults who are the only child for their parents.

Spoilt and selfish

John is the only child for his parents. His wife often criticises him for being spoilt and selfish. The only child may have grown up in a family where parents had more time, money and energy for their child, but it is not true that he or she is necessarily spoilt and selfish.

Dealing with the parents

Harold is concerned that his wife's parents interfere in their life too much. He feels Judith should give her parents a break. Judith is the only child for her parents. It is true that an only child often experiences a higher level of parental involvement and higher pressure from parents. This may continue into adult life and may affect relationships and marriage. On one hand, the only child must set boundaries with parents so that they do not become too involved in their marriage and relationships but, on the other hand, the spouse should understand the special relationship that exists between the only child and his or her parents.

Don't drive a wedge

Mary was very angry and jealous over the relationship between her husband, who was an only child, and his mother. She refused to talk to her mother-in-law and she tried to drive a wedge between her husband and his mother. Recognise that your spouse has a special relationship with parents. It does not mean your spouse does not love you. Be understanding and supportive but do not drive a wedge between your spouse and his or her parents.

Feeling trapped

Peter's mother refused to talk to his wife and constantly made him feel guilty. His wife constantly expressed her dislike for her mother-in-law and was always angry with Peter for allowing his mother to control him. Peter felt trapped between these two women he loved - a jealous and controlling mother and a jealous and manipulative wife. Both Peter and his wife need to sit and discuss how to deal with the situation. They need to set boundaries with his mother, and his wife needs to be more supportive and understanding.

The lonely only

Maria's mother constantly criticised her choice of boyfriends. Damion's mother literally chased the girls out of his life; they were never good enough for him. Maria grew up as an only child for her parents. Damion was the only child for his mother. Damion ended up living with his mother well into his 50s and he never got married. Maria had to move away from her mother and finally got married at age 45. The parents of an only child may often sabotage their attempts to have relationships or get married. Parents may do this out of concern or they may be acting out of fear of losing their only child. It is important to set boundaries with your parents; at the same time give them the reassurance that you love them.

When parents become children

The only child who has one or two ageing parents to take care of may find it lonely and difficult at times. They have no siblings to provide emotional and financial support. They very often have to rely on a spouse and they have to learn to rely on outside help. Learn to ask for help.

Dr Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and head, Section of Psychiatry, Dept Of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies, 977-1108; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.