Growing pains

Jason Stephenson, Contributor

I hate school, Auntie Paulette. My teacher is wicked and the other children aren't nice - except for this one girl named Michelle. She made me play with her dolls and use her crayons. She's so pretty. We even ate lunch together - and guess what?! She gave me all her banana chips, Auntie Paulette, yes! Can you believe that? All of it!

I just love my friends, yuh see, Auntie! Michelle, Shawn and Mark - I love them suh till! I can't wait until September so we can start high school. I feel so big now going into first form!

But Michelle and Shawn, they never want to do any work, Miss Richards always has to be telling them to stop chattin' in class, dem idle yuh see!

Yes, Auntie Paulette. I try tell them, but when I tell them to stop buy bag juice from Mr Chin and go dem class, them run gawn go hide. Sorry fi dem. I want to be a veterinarian so I going study and do my work. Remember yuh did seh I must study so I can get scholarship, Auntie? Remember?!

Mark smart yuh see, Auntie Paulette. Him report card have peer 'A' on it. What?! I don't like Mark, Auntie ... Ewww ... !

Hush unuh, Auntie, but mi naw cook today enuh mi foot dem a kill me. Every day this blasted teacher just a kill we wid peer work and want wi fi carry one bag a book go a school. School need fi hurry up and finish so me and Mark can start our little business.

Tap yuh noise nuh Auntie ... Cho! Mi tell yuh already ... . I'm not going to university anymore!

Why?! Because it's a waste of time. This business idea Markie and I have will make us rich.

Gwan worry bout me, yuh hear, I am quite fine. But try guess who come grounds up in front of me inna de lunch line today nuh? Nuh the one name Michelle. Come a come ask mi if she can get skip like seh me an har a friend. I just kiss mi teeth and step pass her. What mek her never ask her man fi skip? Ehh Auntie?

Three, threes, the one name Shawn come to me bout wha mek me a gwan so. I seh I nearly shot him a bax yuh see, Auntie! Bright! Me seh why dem never ask them BIG teacher friend dem? Mr Burke and Miss Johnson and di whole a dem. Dem just sooo popular these days. Everybody just love dem so, all tun valedictorian! Dem fool like. Afta none a dem nuh brighter than me.

The boy Mark call yet?! You know seh up till now, mi cyaa hear from dat deh monkey boy. After mi give him the money fi put inna the bank, him vanish.

If I find out sey a race track him gone agen, yuh see, I tek the ring offa a mi finga and dash it straight back inna him face.

The boy is juss one big burden pon mi shoulder. I sorry I get inna nuttun wid him - wukliss like ... .

If wha?! ... No sah, mi never read nuh paper from morning! A wha happen? Gimme mek mi read it yah!

"Gordon University has never seen a student such as Michelle Parkinson, with a GPA of 4.0, Michelle has a bright future ahead of her in the field of medicine alongside her PhD-aspiring spouse, Shawn Saunders, who plans on tying the knot sometime after graduation."

Cooyah! Dem get bossy deh doe ehh! Watch har too nuh. She not even look good and watch the one name Shawn, fava puss! I bet sey a drugs money dem a use pay dem school fee. Everybody know seh Shawn pupa a big big don 'round a Matches Lane.

Paulette, try tap yuh noise enuh, caw mi nuh inna it today. Trudie want feeding and the one name Andrew naw do no work a school. Them pikney yah ago kill me.

Eye! Eye! You same one ... put it down ... MI SEH PUT IT DUNG! ... or I bruk yuh two foot dem ... . Gwan go mek up you bed man. Stay just like you dam pupa!! Good fi nuttin!

Wha mek unuh nuh stop look pon mi? Me look like me love woman? Tap tear pon mi man!

Excuse me, sar! Beg yuh a $50? Afta dis cyaa do nuttin sar. This cyaa even feed dawg.

Excuse mi, nice lady. Beg yuh a $20, please? Gweh! Ugly like!

Excuse mi, sar, please ... .

Miss mi a beg yuh a likkle money fi ... .

Sar, excuse me. Mi pikney dem want food and ... .

Excuse mi, miss. Me a beg yuh a ... .

Wha? Me! You know me, mam? Wha you name? Michelle?!

I'm sorry mam, but I don't know you ... and you certainly don't know me.