SUNDAY SAUCE: And the divine intervenes

Oxy Moron, Contributor

In the dark night of the soul, a certain minister of national insecurity, the one at the centre of the Portland villa security breach drama, called upon the divine to intervene into the bloodletting in the land whose people he swore to serve and protect. On the brink of tears he was, sounding like a child who was about to get a whipping from his father.

The divine, sitting in lofty grandeur, looked down at the minister wallowing in his helplessness, and shook his head.

On his Facebook page, he wrote, "SMHH! (shaking my holy head) What more does he want me to do? Every day they sing 'Eternal Father bless our land', the land which I have already blessed with bright, talented people, minerals, trees, ground provisions, fruit trees in abundance, rivers, streams, sparkling beaches, fishes and other sea creatures, a glorious sun, and more. These resources they should have been using to enrich the nation.

"Instead, they have divided themselves in gangs, Orange and Green, and have set themselves against another, fighting and killing for spoils and scarce benefits. It's all about self-aggrandisement and cronyism. Moreover, the people have turned away from my teachings, and those of Marley and Garvey, and are daily feasting on dancehall lyrics of hatred, bitterness, envy, lust and greed.

Now, the minister, a former banker, clearly out of his realm, wants me to intervene. On the night of Thursday, April 17, the men and women over whom he rules had one big concert on the premises of the commish's office, making quite a racket and disturbing the entire neighbourhood. It was a gospel concert of sort, but bereft of reverence and sincerity. If that were a part of the intervention call, well, I was not moved. So, they need to wheel and come again.

"But the minister doesn't really know what he's asking for, and he might just get it. First, I would ask him for his resignation, and tell him to take Azan and the mayor of Montego Bay with him, and I would make sure I send them to the utmost part of the universe, nowhere near Jamaica.

"After they would have made their inglorious exit, I would dismantle the rest of the Orange and Green gangs and their garrisons. 'Keep us free from evil powers' they sing, so I would save them from themselves. And to the other end of the universe, I would banish the writers of dancehall songs. The impressionable youths would be injected no more with viper's venom masquerading under the guise of music.

"Then I would make the entire island into a farm, the rebirth of Eden, where the youths would have to work six days a week producing their own food. They would grow what they eat and eat what they grow, no time to walk up and down half-naked, and to dress up to go nowhere. On the seventh day they shall frolic in the rivers, streams and the sea, after which they would cook and eat to their heart's content.

"One more such intervention utterance and I will indeed intervene. But for now, I am watching and waiting to see how Mama deals with the problems that have beset her beloved children who are waiting night and day for the JEEP to turn up with oxtail and cow foot."