The big white lie

Jason Stephenson, Contributor

It had been six months since Matthew started seeing Valerie. They took long romantic walks in the park, had intimate picnics on the beach, talked for hours about almost everything, not to mention that the love making was phenomenal. But, it wasn't until Valerie hosted a housing warming party for her new apartment that an issue ever sparked between the two.

"OK, what about Marsha?" asked Valerie picking up scattered cups off the carpet. "She's nice right?"

"Was that the weird smelling one with the glasses?" said Matthew throwing party plates in the garbage. "Why does she smell like garlic?"

"She does not smell like garlic." said Valerie grabbing a garbage bag. "She just tends to wear weird perfume, something about Mother Africa and slavery or what-not."

"Yeah, she practically lectured me the whole night about the white man oppression and why I should stop eating meat."

Matthew brushed some chips off the couch.

"Yup, that's Marsha," said Valerie. "OK, what about Beverly?"

Matthew exchanged looks with Valerie.

"Why does she keep growling at me like that? She kept slapping her thighs talking about rump roast and prime beef. She scared the hell out of me! She does realise I'm your boyfriend right?"

Valerie giggled. "I think she might have a crush on you."

"With thighs like those, she could crush anything. She needs to start jogging or something, because that cannot be healthy."

Mathew pulled out a dust pan from the broom closet, sweeping up bits of crackers from the corner.

"What about Sheila?"

Matthew paused awkwardly.

"Sheila?!" he asked.

"Yeah, Sheila tall, perfect body, flawless skin the one that models, remember?"

"Oh, Sheila." he said quickly emptying the dust pan into the rubbish. "Errr - She's nice."

Valerie watched as Matthew cleared his throat before casually cleaning behind the couch.

"That's it?" she said. "Nothing else?"

Matthew popped his head up from around the sofa as if he didn't even remember they were having a conversation.

"Err - no! Not that I can think of," he said getting back to the floor.

THE CONFRONTATION

Valerie picked up a stack of plates from the console table.

"Do you think she's pretty?" she asked as she disappeared into the kitchen.

Matthew swallowed.

"Err ... sure," he said. "She isn't ugly, if that's what you mean."

"Do you think she's prettier  than me?" said Valerie returning to the living room.

He knew it! He knew she was just waiting to ask him an impossible question like that. Matthew wasn't exactly one to tell lies, but what was he to do? Tell the truth and have her cuss at him all night or just lie about it and get off easy? Valerie stopped picking up plates, looking at Matthew intently for an answer.

Summer and Matthew started seeing each other ever since his sudden break up with Valerie. It was one of his best relationships yet, until -

"Do you think it's true? About what my dad said?" said Summer in the car after having dinner with her parents. "Do you think my mother really looks younger than me?"

Matthew clutched the steering wheel nervously trying his best not to crash. He glimpsed over at Summer as she glared at him for a response.

"Err - well ..."

Amber was special. He and Summer wouldn't have worked out anyway. As usual, the honeymoon phase was magical until they finished having a games night over at a friend's house.

"So, Tracey told me that I'm loud which is so not true, I mean, that's ridiculous, right?!" Amber shouted looking at Matthew as they walked along the sidewalk. "You don't think I'm loud , do you?"

For the first time ever, Matthew decided to try something a bit different.

"What?" he said. "You're not loud!! Tracey's the loud one."

"I know!!" she yelled as some passersby looked strangely at her. "She has got some serious problems, that one!!"

Matthew breathed a sigh of relief, and you know what, that actually wasn't so bad

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

" Of course not!"

"Do you think I have a big head?"

"Heavens no."

"You think I'm smart, right?"

"The smartest!"

"You like my hairstyle, don't you?"

"Who wouldn't?"

"Do you think I gained some weight?"

" Nope!"

"I could be a model, couldn't I?"

"A supermodel".

This lying thing was easy. The truth pretty much seemed irrelevant to Matthew these days. Why bother? It only complicated things anyway. Matthew was happy as long as his girls were happy and they were happy as long as their egos weren't bruised. At first, truth bending was only used for emergencies, but then it began spreading.

"What do you do for a living?"

" I'm a record producer."

"Where are you from?"

"Paris, but I grew up in Australia."

"How many girlfriends have you had?"

"One, and she died in my arms from cancer."

"Why didn't you ever call me back?"

"You must be mistaking me for my twin brother Marc."

It was just so darn easy. Matthew couldn't stop. He didn't think he even wanted to. It was power in the palm of his hands, power he fed to pretty much anybody willing to gobble it up, but, soon after, things started to get a bit out of hand. His lying habits weren't only limited to girlfriends anymore, it was like wildfire.

"Why didn't you show up for work today?"

"I was at the shelter feeding the homeless."

"Do you have any kids?"

"They died in a car crash. I don't like to talk about it."

"Are you sleeping with my sister?"

" I can't believe you would even begin to ask me such a question."

"How did you live your life on earth, Matthew?!" asked God looking through Matthew's records in his book.

"Honestly!" said Matthew trying to sneak a peek.

God's eyes scrolled along the pages, shaking his head in remorse.

"Oh dear, would you look at that," God said. "A seat to hell just opened up for you ... but don't worry," he said poking Matthew out of heaven. "It's first class."

Matthew snapped back to reality, dropping the broom out of his hand.

"Well ..." said Valerie staring him in the face. "Don't just stand there, answer me! Do you think she's prettier or not?"

Matthew's eyes opened in horror. He didn't know what to say.