Forgiveness is the victim's choice

Reconciliation is another matter

It was 'Donna's' eventual decision to forgive her father that helped put her life on a new track of happiness. At age 47, she was an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She moved through several misguided of phases of blaming herself, making excuses for father's abuse and even trying to accept her pain as 'her lot' in life.

'Donna's' forgiving spirit helped her release the bitterness and anger that continued to tie her to her abuser all these years. She had reached a mental place where she felt, thought and behaved differently towards the offender.

Stops anger

Survivors of crime, accidents, violence, infidelity, divorce, childhood abuse, wars and other traumatic events will find themselves grappling with issues similar to those of 'Donna'.

In forgiveness, the abused or offended decides to stop feeling anger towards the person who dished out the pain. The abused or offended also decides to stop hunting for revenge and retribution.

Forgiveness has evolved as an important psychotherapeutic tool, especially in cases of abuse. Living with bitterness and anger is the flip side of forgiving. Hanging on to the 'mental poison' hurts the person victimised and locks him or her to the victimiser in the hell of eternal revenge and hate.

Strong studies indicate that lacking forgiveness impacts physical and mental health. Some of the negative impacts of unforgiveness include a compromised immune system making the body more vulnerable to illness; elevated blood pressure; muscle tension; more aches and pains; sleep disturbance, digestive problems and changes in breathing pattern.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation

In 'Donna's' case, her abuser did not ask for her forgiveness. She decided to forgive him in her own best interest. Forgiveness is the choice of the person who was hurt and is an act of enlightened self-interest. It doesn't mean that the abuser or victimiser should get off the hook or that the abused forget the wrong done, or begin trusting or be reconciled with the abuser.

Reconciliation is possible even in the most dreadful cases, but would have to involve the abuser. Reconciliation becomes possible when the abuser or victimiser makes the choice to repair the injury which he or she inflicted on another person, and when the person hurt wants to go beyond forgiveness.

The abuser would have to be willing to do the following:

1. Unequivocally acknowledge and accept responsibility for the wrongdoing.

2. Sincerely show remorse for the wrongdoing (the word 'sorry' or 'apologise' should be used).

3. Engage in clear acts that make amends for the wrongdoing.

Not all abusers are willing to put themselves through this process, and not all victims want reconciliation even after forgiveness.

Eulalee Thompson is health editor and a professional counsellor; email: eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com.