Loving again when trust is broken

Wendel Abel, I AM WHAT I THINK

Have you have ever been lied to, misled or cheated on? Then you know the pain that comes with broken trust and betrayal. It cuts deep. You feel humiliated, ashamed, belittled, angry and wrapped in pain. You ask yourself, "How could I be so foolish?"

Broken trust and betrayal leaves you feeling as if you are holding a broken vase. Trust is important because it is the glue that holds a relationship together. For trust to exist in any relationship there must be honesty, safety and respect. Trust must be earned and maintained. So what does one do when trust is broken?

1. Seek help. Individuals may need professional help to deal with the pain and hurt and to rebuild trust and the broken relationship.

2. That broken vase is never the same. Accept that things may never be the same, at least for a long while. The person who was betrayed will have to deal with his or her emotions. The guilty party will have to be patient and give the other individual time and space to grieve and deal with those emotions. If both parties work hard at things, it is possible to rebuild trust and commitment.

3. Be patient. Be patient with each other. Trust will not be rebuilt overnight. Don't be too hard on yourself if doubt returns. It is important, however, to learn to deal with these moments.

4. Get it out and let it go. Deal with those emotions. Betrayal leaves behind some raw, painful emotions. Avoid lashing out and attacking the other party. Learn to express your emotions using the I-Message technique. Do the exercise at the end of this article.

5. Take responsibility. If you both are going to move on, each party must take responsibility for their role in the event. It helps the healing process if the guilty party can accept his or her role and acknowledge the pain they caused.

6. Build on the strengths. Continue to build on the positive side and the strengths of your relationship. Restate your commitment to each other. Acknowledge to each other that you need each other.

The I-Message Technique

It is important for you to make your relationship work. The I-Message technique is very effective in expressing yourself and stating your needs in any relationship.

So if you have been cheated on, instead of attacking the person and stating, "You cheated on me. You liar. You are just worthless", say this: "I feel hurt and angry because you lied to me. What I want is for us to sit and discuss this matter".

Try this technique. It works if you work it.

Dr Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and head, Section of Psychiatry, Dept Of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies, 977-1108; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.