What's love got to do with it?

Everyone wants to be happy, but not everyone wants to do the work that is necessary. Loving relationships require work, but we are fed a diet of songs and movies that teach us that love is instant, sudden and all about feeling out of control.

Then there are the love myths passed on from one generation to the other. Love is magical; love is never having to say you are sorry, and if it hurts, it's love. Yet, there is a surprisingly large amount of research on the topic, but few people seem to be interested in the facts. Why? Because facts just aren't feelings and we want to believe that love is all about feelings, not thinking and doing.

Intimacy, passion and commitment

The first thing we should know about relationships is that they come in all shapes and sizes, but according to Robert Sternberg they all have three things in common — intimacy, passion and commitment.

This love triangle has intimacy at the top, passion on the left and commitment on the right side of the base. The extent to which these are present in our relationships determines the type of love experienced.

If you have lots of intimacy and passion without much commitment then you are both experiencing romantic love; if you have lots of intimacy and commitment but little passion you have a friendship; lots of commitment and passion but little intimacy, characterises fleeting, superficial love. For lasting, consummate love you need all three components in your relationship.

Sadly, relationships that keep going because of the level of commitment are described as empty love, and infatuation requires only passion, while liking someone is based on building intimacy.

Change your relationship

If you decide that your relationship could do with an overhaul, look at the area that you need to work on and start by sharing your emotions more if you lack intimacy. When the commitment is low think about ways in which you can share in your partner's long-term intellectual or work goals.

Try to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you both are headed. Do you have the same goals for a future together? Your passion can only grow if you both work on increasing your sexual compatibility. Think about what you both enjoy in bed and the ways in which you can both meet each other's sexual needs.

Finally, a key ingredient in lasting relationships is the ability to fight fair. Yes. That's right. Researcher John Gottman reviewed the communication between thousands of couples and can now tell in a 'blink' whether a relationship will last or not.

Dr Karen Carpenter is a Florida board-certified clinical sexologist and psychologist. She is also the host of a radio programme, 'Love & Sex with Dr Karen Carpenter'.